Brian and I moved into our house in April. It has been nothing less than a miracle. The house, the neighbors, the ward, all of it, a miracle and no less.
I need to send a big ole thank you out to my "Perfect Match". My Visiting Teachers. I couldn't have been blessed with anyone better. The first time they came we sat for over 2 hours just visiting. I totally needed it. They have been more than valiant in taking care of me and keeping up with me. They popped up on me today and I loved it. I know I am hurting but I am always grateful for a friendly and loving face. The two of them couldn't be a better match for me. Thank you Dawn and Luwain!!!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
My Body hates me...or does it? Part 2
Please read part 1 before reading part 2...
So on the thought of what everyone thinks of me I need to refer you to another blog located at http://www.ldsdaughtersofgod.blogspot.com/ I don't know her personally, she went to high school with one of my sisters. We are connected through our divine quality of suffering with PCOS. I was shown her blog earlier today and a lot of what she says is exactly how I have been feeling I just haven't been able to put it into words. I won't copy/paste but if you have the time please read her post labeled Light In the Darkness. PCOS is a disease that has a ton of yucky side effects. I am blessed in the fact that I don't have some of the more apparent side effects like extra hair growth in not so secret places ie; facial hair. I do however suffer from insulin resistance which adds to the weight factor. I don't eat a lot, really I don't, no excuses, no making it up to make it seem like I am a healthy person because heaven knows I don't look healthy and I sure don't feel too healthy. You might ask well do you exercise...the answer is YES, when I am not in bed suffering with an ovarian cyst. Ovarian cysts are another side effect of this wonderful disease. The ovarian cysts are the main reason we are going ahead with the hysterectomy. I am in hopes that with the ovaries being gone that I will be able to get to the gym regularly, 5-6 days a week like I love to do. Another non exaggeration...I love exercising. I have for a long time. Yes I may whine and complain about being sore but I LOVE IT, being sore to me means that I have done something good for my body. So what if I went 6 months without a cyst and was able to exercise you might ask? Well wonderful but I would like to clear up the fact that in 6 months a lot of people could loose a good 50 lbs if they worked as hard as I do, I might only loose about 10 lbs and that is keeping myself on a very strict diabetic diet, insulin resistance remember, and working out religiously 5-6 days a week for at least an hour and a half.
No jokes people, PCOS/PCOD is a train wreck. Another side effect is fertility problems. I got pregnant with Hunter after we had only tried for 2 weeks. No problems except some hypertension and toxemia at 6 months gestation, it runs in the family, not really a surprise. So then it takes me almost 6 years to get my little angel here...I developed all of my health problems after Hunter was born, no he was not the cause and I don't and will never blame him. There is no exact reason as to why this happens to us, and of course no cure.
Having the surgery will not get rid of any of the side effects except the cysts. There have been many cases however that women who suffer PCOS/PCOD and have had the surgery seem to have a huge decrease in all of the other symptoms, I am of course hoping that I might be one of these people but at the same point I am not getting my hopes up. I know better than that and if I have to fight this disease the rest of my life than I will. That is my burden to bear. As Amberly mentions in her blog it is a blessing. I don't know if I look at it like that, it has caused a lot of hard times for my husband and my children. We are hoping this is the last major issue we will have to deal with for a long time to come.
So with a self-esteem issue that I feel Amberly addressed in the exact way I would have liked to. I was a social butterfly in high school and still am to an extent. I love people!!! I don't know how to say it other than that. Since I have gained all of this weight, I really have a hard time seeing old friends that knew me back in my skinny days. My first thought is oh great, what are they thinking of me now. And of course I don't and shouldn't just come straight out and say "by the way I am Fat because I have a disease." Kind of a bad conversation starter. I don't like to dwell on it but it really does effect me in every aspect of my life. It especially hurt when my son was about 4 and asked me why I was fatter than all of the other mommies. That hurt bad. For instance, I had many friends or "clicks" that I hung out with in high school. There was a group of guys and a small handful of girls that I hung out with a lot of the time. We were close. Well it has been a good 8 or 9 years since I had seen a lot of them. We moved back to the city where I went to high school and I started running into a bunch of people I knew back in the day. One of these people was a good friend, Josh. We got to talking and I realized how much I deeply missed this group of friends. They were like brothers to me and are just great guys. They are the kind of people who do what they want because it is who they are and they don't care about what other people think. I used to be like that. So after some deliberation we finally set a date for this get together. Long story short, I had a blast and it was so good to see them, most of them knew my situation so I wasn't so frantic about what they must all be thinking about me. But then I looked at the pictures and I cried. I know that we all have changed since high school, but that is not what upset me. I changed and there was nothing I could do about it. Just look at these two pictures and you will see wha
t I mean.
So on the thought of what everyone thinks of me I need to refer you to another blog located at http://www.ldsdaughtersofgod.blogspot.com/ I don't know her personally, she went to high school with one of my sisters. We are connected through our divine quality of suffering with PCOS. I was shown her blog earlier today and a lot of what she says is exactly how I have been feeling I just haven't been able to put it into words. I won't copy/paste but if you have the time please read her post labeled Light In the Darkness. PCOS is a disease that has a ton of yucky side effects. I am blessed in the fact that I don't have some of the more apparent side effects like extra hair growth in not so secret places ie; facial hair. I do however suffer from insulin resistance which adds to the weight factor. I don't eat a lot, really I don't, no excuses, no making it up to make it seem like I am a healthy person because heaven knows I don't look healthy and I sure don't feel too healthy. You might ask well do you exercise...the answer is YES, when I am not in bed suffering with an ovarian cyst. Ovarian cysts are another side effect of this wonderful disease. The ovarian cysts are the main reason we are going ahead with the hysterectomy. I am in hopes that with the ovaries being gone that I will be able to get to the gym regularly, 5-6 days a week like I love to do. Another non exaggeration...I love exercising. I have for a long time. Yes I may whine and complain about being sore but I LOVE IT, being sore to me means that I have done something good for my body. So what if I went 6 months without a cyst and was able to exercise you might ask? Well wonderful but I would like to clear up the fact that in 6 months a lot of people could loose a good 50 lbs if they worked as hard as I do, I might only loose about 10 lbs and that is keeping myself on a very strict diabetic diet, insulin resistance remember, and working out religiously 5-6 days a week for at least an hour and a half.
No jokes people, PCOS/PCOD is a train wreck. Another side effect is fertility problems. I got pregnant with Hunter after we had only tried for 2 weeks. No problems except some hypertension and toxemia at 6 months gestation, it runs in the family, not really a surprise. So then it takes me almost 6 years to get my little angel here...I developed all of my health problems after Hunter was born, no he was not the cause and I don't and will never blame him. There is no exact reason as to why this happens to us, and of course no cure.
Having the surgery will not get rid of any of the side effects except the cysts. There have been many cases however that women who suffer PCOS/PCOD and have had the surgery seem to have a huge decrease in all of the other symptoms, I am of course hoping that I might be one of these people but at the same point I am not getting my hopes up. I know better than that and if I have to fight this disease the rest of my life than I will. That is my burden to bear. As Amberly mentions in her blog it is a blessing. I don't know if I look at it like that, it has caused a lot of hard times for my husband and my children. We are hoping this is the last major issue we will have to deal with for a long time to come.
So with a self-esteem issue that I feel Amberly addressed in the exact way I would have liked to. I was a social butterfly in high school and still am to an extent. I love people!!! I don't know how to say it other than that. Since I have gained all of this weight, I really have a hard time seeing old friends that knew me back in my skinny days. My first thought is oh great, what are they thinking of me now. And of course I don't and shouldn't just come straight out and say "by the way I am Fat because I have a disease." Kind of a bad conversation starter. I don't like to dwell on it but it really does effect me in every aspect of my life. It especially hurt when my son was about 4 and asked me why I was fatter than all of the other mommies. That hurt bad. For instance, I had many friends or "clicks" that I hung out with in high school. There was a group of guys and a small handful of girls that I hung out with a lot of the time. We were close. Well it has been a good 8 or 9 years since I had seen a lot of them. We moved back to the city where I went to high school and I started running into a bunch of people I knew back in the day. One of these people was a good friend, Josh. We got to talking and I realized how much I deeply missed this group of friends. They were like brothers to me and are just great guys. They are the kind of people who do what they want because it is who they are and they don't care about what other people think. I used to be like that. So after some deliberation we finally set a date for this get together. Long story short, I had a blast and it was so good to see them, most of them knew my situation so I wasn't so frantic about what they must all be thinking about me. But then I looked at the pictures and I cried. I know that we all have changed since high school, but that is not what upset me. I changed and there was nothing I could do about it. Just look at these two pictures and you will see wha
t I mean.
I know who I am. I am a Daughter of My Heavenly Father and I know he loves me. Without a doubt I know that. He has blessed me with a husband whom most women only dream of marrying. He is my Knight In Shining Armor. He has loved me from the beginning and reassures me that he will love me no matter what I look like. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. Having Sadie as my daughter, whether I gave birth to her or not, has been as wonderful for me as having Hunter and McKadie. These 3 choice children of God have been sent to me, TO ME, what a blessing and a privilege. I have a family, my parents, Brian's parents, both of our siblings and all of my nieces and nephews, and they all love me. I have great great friends. They support me, they don't judge me, they encourage me, they remind me that it's not so bad, it could be worse.
So yes I revealed my weight. A foo paw in the social world. I am hoping that by doing so, I will quit caring what other people are thinking or saying. For crying out loud I know who I am and that should be enough. I am trying to lay my life completely in the hands of the Lord, it is much harder to actually do it. I have a firm testimony, a great testimony, and I know that it along with the love and support of my family and friends will carry me through this trial that I have been blessed with.
I am sorry that my posts are long, I use words excessively. I love words, really I think they are great. But please know that this blog means a lot to me. I have a place to reveal my deepest thoughts. I have a place to let it all out. Granted I will keep things to myself, it is only appropriate. I will do my best to keep the blog updated with the latest and newest of happenings.
Thank you to everyone who has never judged me, before or after my PCOS/PCOD. By the way PCOS/PCOD stands for Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease/Syndrome.
My Body hates me...or does it? Part 1
If you go to my family blog www.btshgillman.blogspot.com you can read my lengthy medical history. So that will save me some typing and some of you some duplicated reading. So I also posted on the family blog that Brian, my husband, and I have decided to go ahead with the hysterectomy. I am only 27 so this is HUGE. It will effect my body in ways I was hoping to avoid until I was a grandma, not a mom to a 10 month old baby, a 6 and 8 year old. So with that being said, due to the PCOS aka PCOD I would rather deal with the side effects of the hysterectomy than with the monthly ovarian cysts which put me in bed for extended periods of time and make me feel like I am an incapable mother. Hot flashes and mood swings for some crazy reason sound more bearable to me. Of course there are other side effects to come with the hysterectomy but we will take them as they come. I also wanted to express my feelings and emotions that I have been going thru for such a long time. I am easily 100 lbs overweight...come on pull your chin back up. I don't like to post pictures of myself, at least the recent truthful ones, you know me FAT. Brian hates it when I talk about myself like this. I have to say he is the greatest husband I could have ever hoped for. He loves me unconditionally, whether I am 145 lbs (my ideal weight when we were married) or the 258 lbs that I am now. I debated for a long time on whether or not I would reveal my actual weight. This is the way I see it, or I try to kid myself that I see it this way. I am what I am, and it is not because I was lazy or chose to make my body a prison of health problems. In fact it was the other way around. So if you know my actual weight and criticize me for it or want to judge me than that is your burden to bear. I have enough burden's of my own to deal with than to what other people are thinking of me. That is why I am kidding myself. I totally care, and I shouldn't, about what people think of me. To continue to part 2...
My Intentions
My Intentions for this blog:
Not to blow anyone away with mind boggling information
Not to impress anyone with the way things in my life happen
Not to come across as better than anyone else
Not to come across like I am throwing a Pity Party
To share my love of our Heavenly Father and His Gospel
To let out my frustrations, my joys, my thoughts and feelings in a neutral and acceptable environment
To let my family, friends and loved ones all know how much I appreciate them and all that they do for me, Brian, and our kids
I have read many blogs where beautiful words are spoken so eloquently(sp?) and that is not what I am doing. I have found that being able to find someone to relate to can help us out in certain situations in our lives. I recently found a blog that did that for me on a very certain subject and it was a great read for me. I hope that this might be a good read for some of you, if not entertaining right?
Not to blow anyone away with mind boggling information
Not to impress anyone with the way things in my life happen
Not to come across as better than anyone else
Not to come across like I am throwing a Pity Party
To share my love of our Heavenly Father and His Gospel
To let out my frustrations, my joys, my thoughts and feelings in a neutral and acceptable environment
To let my family, friends and loved ones all know how much I appreciate them and all that they do for me, Brian, and our kids
I have read many blogs where beautiful words are spoken so eloquently(sp?) and that is not what I am doing. I have found that being able to find someone to relate to can help us out in certain situations in our lives. I recently found a blog that did that for me on a very certain subject and it was a great read for me. I hope that this might be a good read for some of you, if not entertaining right?
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