Picture taken in October:
Picture taken yesterday (Mother's Day) not great pictures but you can still see a difference or at least I can:
But after a long conversation with Kristie, my specialist that has been helping me, I have realized that the physical portions of this are not my hardest portion to overcome. The hardest part for me has been learning what triggers my stresses which in return trigger me to over do it and which in return trigger me to become sick again.
This is hard for me and is going to take a lot of deep digging, a lot of "soul" searching as the saying goes. I have to learn what my limits are, which I haven't in the past and this is imperative because if I don't I am not going to get better.
I need to get better for me. I need to get better for my kids. I need to get better for Brian. There are so many things that I have missed out on. There are so many things that I have yet to be a part of. I have so much life left to live.
The last two weeks I have been very up and down emotionally. A lot of shoulda, woulda, coulda's. And I have had to remind myself that it won't help. Yesterday was probably the hardest Mother's Day. Brian was working the whole day, Sadie has been with her other mom, and I think the other kids are just as burned out as I am. It felt like just any other day which bummed me out.
But as I peel the layers back, try not to beat myself up about it, I need to remember that this is temporary and that I am healing and part of that healing is my head and heart as well as my physical body. I think that the part of finding me that I have been hoping for is starting, but I also have a fear that in finding me, I am going to discover a lot of things that scare me. I remember somewhere hearing that to get to the great you have to get through the bad. So I am pulling up my big girl panties a little higher and holding my chin a little higher in the hopes that one day this will all have been just a small step in my past to make for a bigger and better future.
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