Making it Public

The last few nights I have been lying in bed wondering if I should write about the things that I have been going through. One of the things I ponder over is why should I write?

For one I feel like I need an outlet, yes I write in my own personal journal, but I enjoy the feeling of the keys under my fingers.

Second, why does it have to be public? Well it doesn't have to be public, but then I was thinking ARE YOU (speaking to my inner self) SERIOUS?!? How many years have I suffered with no answers and not knowing what was causing me to feel this way. What if there are other mom's out there who feel like they are failing at being the mom they should be? Or what if there are other wives out there who feel like their husbands dread coming home because not only have they had to work a full time job but now they have to come home and take care of the responsibilities that their wives should have completed? I should also mention that I have talked to Brian about this and I am way to blessed to have him. He can't even believe that I think he feels like this.

There are so many other things that are a constant battle in my mind on top of the physical battles that I deal with on a daily basis and that is WHY I have chosen to make my battles public. This is NOT a place for me seeking any kind of emotional support or criticism.  I simply hope that maybe even if there is one other person out there who has suffered the same things I have will be able to finally find answers to why things are happening.  If you have questions you would like me to address I will do so to the best of my ability. 

I don't want to go into every detail of everything I have ever gone through as a human on this earth but will discuss things that I feel are important to what I have been dealing with for the last 14+ years. 

So who am I? 

Photo taken on March 2014

I am a 33 year old woman. I have been married to my sweetheart for 13 years. I have 3 children (2 by birth which is only important for health reasons). I am the oldest of 6 kids, I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers, and as far as we know right now no one else in my family has the health problems that I have. 

Family health history: Both parents have high blood pressure. My maternal grandfather has diabetes and has had malignant tumors removed from his skin. My maternal grandmother died of blood cancer 5 years ago. My dad suffered his first major stroke at the age of 47. There is a very strong family history of strokes on my fathers side. My paternal great grandfather had leukemia and several other types of cancer which he eventually died of. In January of this year my dad was diagnosed with a type of Lymphoma. I may have missed a few things but for now this is what stands out in my mind.

Where it began for me.

It is important for me to express that I was a very active child and teenager. I wasn't over weight but I did have to work for my figure. I was my healthiest and skinniest around age 16 when I worked mowing lawns (about 50 a week with a local lawn care company) and I believe I was about 145 lbs and a size 8 which was great for me. That is my ideal for my 5'5" figure.

My Junior Prom around 17 years old I believe. 

Throughout my life I worked very very hard to always do my best, to achieve the best. My softball team was in the top of the finals. My grades were always top notch, many certificates of Honor Roll, I started playing the flute in 5th grade and played until 10th grade. From the time I was 14 until I left the house I helped my mom along with two of my other sisters raise my younger siblings because my dad was not there. I also held a part time job at the same time from the age of 14 all through my schooling and a full time job until I was put on bed rest with my first pregnancy. Through high school I was in the National Honor Society, HOSA, Multi Cultural Club, and a few others. I never took AP classes but took Honors classes and college credit courses like Anatomy/Physiology. I was very social. I loved meeting people and just knowing people. I ran for Student Council, but was okay when that didn't pan out. I applied for multiple scholarships, received several, and a full scholarship to the University of Utah. I was thrilled. My dream was to become a Physical Therapist and it was coming true.

I graduated from High School in May of 1999 and in August of 1999 moved to the dorms on campus at the University of Utah. I had obtained a part-time job working in the sports medicines building printing office. It was an easy job. I had a full load of classes, and was dumb enough to take a 7 am class as a freshman...no one warned me about this. I was room mates with a great friend with high school who I looked up to. She was also going into the medical field and was a genius. The girls on my dorm floor were so awesome.  Meeting girls from all over the place, some of whom I am still so close to today. 

College life was awesome.  We would stay up until 3 am.  I had my first college crush. I got my first cell phone (unheard of today). I was learning to jog (something I have never been a huge fan of) but after making it up near the the U hospital and then being able to look down on the SLC valley, it was becoming a joy. However things were starting to build. I had called into work several times, overwhelmed with assignments. I started missing classes, and it was only a little after a month into school. 

And then one morning I woke up to get ready for the 7 am English class. I remember it very vividly. It was the beginning of October. No one else was awake, they were all smarter and still asleep. This I considered a blessing on this particular morning. I went into the bathroom of the dorm hall. I had been in the shower washing my hair. I was rinsing out the shampoo when I started getting dizzy, my vision started becoming blurry and tunnel like, my hearing foggy. 

I had experienced this once before when I was 16. I had just had stitches removed and the nurses had tugged very uncomfortably causing my body stress to the point that when I went into the waiting room I passed out, something they said was normal after this kind of experience.

I had medical training so I knew that I needed to put my head down until I could regain composure. I did not want to pass out in the shower. So I knelt on the shower floor, and yes the OCD in me says GROSS, but this was my only option at the time. I put my head between my knees until my head cleared and then I stood up decided that I would finish washing my hair and then I would just stay in bed for the day not sure what was going on. So I stood up slowly and started rinsing out my hair again. Next thing I knew I was looking up at the ceiling on the floor outside of the shower, in my birthday suit, seriously so glad no one else was awake. Okay new plan, finish rinsing out shampoo and head to bed. Once I started rinsing out my hair I got dizzy again, so I knelt on the floor and just let the water run on my hair doing the work for me, when once again I woke up but this time my cheek was killing me because I landed on the tile step into the shower. Now with a killer headache and scared because I had no idea what the heck was going on I put my robe on, shampoo still in hair and went to my room. I woke up my room mate and asked her to please call my mom at the same time she got me something to throw up in because that was the next thing that started. 

So mom left work, picked me up, and then grandma took me to the doctor. I was miserable. I had no idea what was going on. I was worried about missing my classes. They ran a slew of tests. I was terrified of showering or bathing on my own so would do so under the watchful eye of my mom. After sleep deprived EKG's and EEG's and blood work and who knows what else they had no idea what caused my episodes of passing out. They ruled out Epilepsy. But up until a week ago, I never had an answer for why I had to withdraw from college and lost all of my scholarships and my dream of becoming a Physical Therapist. This was devastating to me.

I had moved back home after 2 months of my Freshman year of college. Shortly after I began feeling better I found a full time job. 

In October of 2000 I became engaged to one of my best friends, Brian Gillman, and a month later we were married and I became the mother to his daughter Sadie who at the time was 8 months old. 

I was on birth control and we were going to wait a year to settle in as a little family and then in January after I saw Brian holding his brand new niece Nikki, I wanted a baby. After talking about we also decided it would be great for Sadie as well because we didn't want her to feel like the "step" child by having a huge age gap between her and our other kids. She was my daughter and I didn't want her to feel like anything less. So in February of 2001 I stopped taking my birth control and my doctor said it would probably take a couple of months before we were pregnant. I was pregnant by the middle of February. Welcome to a long line of "Fertile Myrtles". We were thrilled. I continued working and so did Brian. Then towards the end of my third trimester I started experiencing some difficulties. My weight remained great and we were so excited to welcome our first son, Hunter. 

 

I was 3 1/2 months pregnant in this picture. 

So in my third trimester I became hypertensive and had preclamsia, so I was put on bed rest. At 35 weeks they did an amniocentesis because things were getting tricky and we needed to find out if Hunter's lungs were developed enough for early labor. They were not and I was induced on the first day of my 37th week. Hunter was born perfectly healthy at 6 lbs pounds 19 1/2 inches. He was long and skinny. 

When he was 4 weeks old I woke up one night in severe pain, unable to find a comfortable position or feel like I could catch my breath. Soon after I had my gallbladder removed. My first surgery. I also had to stop breast feeding Hunter because the medications I had been given were making him so drowsy all the time that it was scaring the living tar out of me. 

When Hunter was 6 months old, due to situations with Brian's work, we made the choice to move to Arizona. I began gaining weight even though I still remained pretty physical. Shortly after we moved down there, Brian found out that work was not going to be as we thought it would. So to make a long story short, I was attending Real Estate school to receive my Realtor's license. This would put me in a position to work for a few years in helping support our family. Brian moved careers from Framing to Electrical. When Hunter was not quite 2 years old we started trying for pregnancy again. We thought that it would be just like the first time and that I would be pregnant immediately.  After all, that is what my sisters were doing, and my mom had 6 kids all within 9 years. I had an IUD put in after Hunter. So it was removed and we were trying but nothing was happening. 

People were telling me the weight gain was from having moved away from my family. I am not afraid of living away from my family. I am a very independent person and find adventure in being on my own. This was how college was for me. Arizona is beautiful, and we were not completely alone because most of Brian's family had also moved to Arizona within the year prior to us.

I had also been bit by a sister/cousin spider of the brown recluse spider a few months after we moved to Arizona. I had a horrible sore on the back of my leg that took quite some time to heal up. Then for several years after that I would have bumps on my shins that were red, hot and painful. It was later diagnosed as Erythemanadosum which has over 100 causes, but was believed to have been caused by the spider bite. I had been given cortisone shots in my shins to help alleviate the pain.It wasn't until after my hysterectomy in 2007, almost 6 years after they appeared, that the bumps on my legs subsided.  

After a year or two of living in Arizona, I would feel sick a lot without any real symptoms. I was just constantly run down. Just felt blah. I had a miscarriage at the end of 2004 and was still having problems getting pregnant. I was starting to feel like people were talking about how I was always "sick". I couldn't explain how I felt. I didn't look sick. I just felt sick. Then one Halloween in, I wasn't able to go Trick or Treating with Brian and Sadie and Hunter. BAM first failure for mom. 

So where was I? I was fat, felt sick, was feeling like a failure and didn't know what to do. There had to be something I could do to control my situation. I needed to exercise more. Problem, my breasts were so big that sit ups were not an option, any type of aerobic activity not an option, push-ups definitely not an option. It all came back to the boobs. I always had headaches. My back hurt all the time. My neck was always tight. So I talked to my doctor about it. We discussed the options and he felt that I might be a candidate for breast reduction and that there was a good chance the insurance would cover it. I went to the surgeon and we moved forward. The insurance covered it 100% and I had 2 pounds removed off of each of my breasts in May of 2005. This was my second surgery. It was painful and a long recovery. We had just moved and my mom came down from Utah to help take care of the kids and the unpacking and with me during my recovery. She was a Godsend for me and Brian. Changing my bandages, watching my medications, cleaning the house, watching the kids... We could not have done it without her. I felt like after the doctor gave me the go ahead I would be able to start exercising and get the extra weight off. 

Shortly after I was given the go ahead to start easing back into activity the sick feelings were still there and in November of 2005 after ER visits and a visit to the OB who decided that I would need surgery to remove a cyst the size of a golf ball removed off of my right ovary. When I awoke from surgery, my 3rd, I was in a hospital room, not a recovery room getting ready to go home. I had been admitted. The surgeon explained to me that when he had entered laproscopicaly he found that, in the couple of days, my cyst had grown to the size of a large grapefruit and had entangled around my ovary. They had to open me up completely to carefully remove the cyst so that my ovary could be saved. After a few days in the hospital, my mom and Brian both there again:) I was able to go home, again having to recover from a major surgery. 

Now I have not mentioned my Spirituality up to this point and I will do so here. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior and am so grateful for the many blessings that I have received. I have a very strong testimony of prayer and that Heavenly Father knows our struggles individually and that we are to learn something from our trials, small and large, that everything happens for a reason, and that Heavenly Father will never give us anything we cannot handle.

In December, a month after my surgery, Brian and I felt very strongly that we needed to move back to Utah. We were able to put all the arrangements in order and within a week were on the road to Utah. My sister and her husband graciously opened the doors of their home to us until we were able to find our own home. Brian was quickly able to find work. Still unable to get pregnant and wanting to find answers to everything that had been happening with my weight I made an appointment to see the OB that delivered Hunter.

In February of 2006 I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease(PCOD) also know as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) . There are A LOT of side effects and symptoms to this disease and I encourage every woman reading this to familiarize yourself with it. A couple of my biggest symptoms, weight gain and infertility. My doctor quickly put me on fertility medications as well as a metformin, a diabetic medication. PCOS causes insulin resistance which involves the liver and metformin is known to help with this. Brian and I were hopeful to have an answer and to have the hope of being able to finally add to our family. We had always wanted 4 children. 

With the watchful eye of my doctor, I began exercising, using my medication as instructed, but not much weight was being lost and I was not getting pregnant. I felt blessed to have Sadie and Hunter, and I know there are women out there who have not even had the privilege to bear a single child and my heart goes out to them. In my heart I felt that my family was not complete. I knew there was a child waiting to join us and I was doing everything I knew I could to get them here and nothing was working. What a trial of faith this was.

I had become so frustrated and overwhelmed that Brian and I had come to the conclusion that maybe our little family was complete as it was and that we needed to learn to be okay with it. 

As a side note, another part of PCOS is that your periods are very irregular. So that also made it difficult to become pregnant. 

In February of 2007 I noticed I was later then usual. Rather than being disappointed with another home pregnancy test I decided I would go into the OB's office for the blood test to verify if I was indeed pregnant or not. I had seen a midwife and after the blood draw she encouraged me to do the urine test because the blood results would not come back for 24 hours. The urine test came back positive and we were thrilled. Here is my family blog post from that time:

http://www.btshgillman.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html

My pregnancy was very hard and I was told at 20 weeks that I was miscarrying again by a nurse at a hospital that I won't name. But thanks to my mom, she pushed forward and made them see me to stop the contractions. I was put on bed rest at 20 weeks with McKadie. I was tested several times for gestational diabetes because I was measuring so large. We also didn't know my exact conception date with McKadie because of the irregular periods. 

At 36 weeks pregnant I measure 47 weeks. I felt like a beached whale and was gigantic compared to my pregnancy with Hunter. 

 15 weeks measuring 17 weeks

 20 weeks

 35 weeks

A day before I was 37 weeks McKadie went breach and she was turned without an epidural...UGH!!! That was horrible. She was born by induction the following day on her great grandfather's birthday September 2nd, 2007, he passed away the previous December.

 Here she is at 4 days old. She weighed 7 lbs 8 Oz's and was 21 1/2 inches. Funny thing, that is the same birth weight as myself and my mom.

2 months later my sister's husband was in a serious semi truck accident where he nearly lost his life

 

And a week later....

We found out my dad had suffered several major strokes at the age of 47. 

This would change how we moved forward with my treatment of PCOS. The best way to help with the cysts from PCOS is birth control, however, birth control increases your risk of stroke...I already have a high risk of stroke, so no way on the birth control. What is the likely hood of us being able to have another child naturally? Not very high. What are my other options? An IUD won't stop the cysts, and the last thing I want is another major surgery because of a cyst. So our next option...a total hysterectomy. 

This was a very hard decision. I had just turned 27 in February of 2008.  In August of 2008 I had a total hysterectomy. Here is a link of how that surgery went,:

http://tashinasplace.blogspot.com/2008/08/so-sorry.html

And if you are counting that is surgery #4.

It ended up being the right choice to have the hysterectomy. With the biopsy of my uterus they found that I also had adnomyosis(sp?), which is the opposite of endometreosis and the only way to fix this is with surgery, having the uterus removed. 

After this surgery things seemed to be getting a lot better. I thought that with the hysterectomy this meant that the PCOS would go away, but that is not the case, I will always have PCOS because the liver is involved with the insulin resistance. 

The bumps on my shins went away like I mentioned before. Although I still dealt with depression and problems with my weight. 

In early 2011 I had my #5 surgery, having my appendix removed: http://tashinasplace.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-am-trying-to-update.html

After that surgery I continued to suffer from lethargy, depression and weight problems. I had constant unexplained stomach pain, diarrhea, constipation. Then the summer of 2012 it got really bad. I started seeing a gastrointerologist. After different medication and diet changes the pain in my stomach was getting worse. One night after throwing up food that was completely undigested after being eaten 5 hours earlier, and just being in extreme pain I had my husband take me to the emergency room. I was admitted for the pain and CT scans showed diverticulitis.

After consulting the gastro doctor I told to consult with a surgeon. He went over my scans with me and discussed which part of my stomach was infected. In September of 2012 I had 12 inches of my descending colon removed. I was only supposed to be in the hospital for 5 days. By day 3 I was feeling great by day 4 I felt like crap. I never run a fever and I was running one now. after further examination they found out that I had a leak in my bowel where a staple from the surgery had come lose. I spent about 3 weeks in the hospital and then another month or so in a long term acute center. I was so upset. I missed my little brother's wedding to his sweetheart, we had to celebrate McKadie's 5th birthday in the conference room of the care center. It overall just sucked. 

After years of one thing after another my family and I have just been so frustrated with never having an answer to why these things are happening. Quit telling me I need a surgery for something. I don't have anything else to take out. I just turned 33 years old and I feel like I am 90. 

So by the grace of an angel I ran into an old friend at Hobby Lobby. I like to make things, for some reason it makes me feel like I am worth something. I am probably a psychologist nightmare:) Anyways, this friend of mine had recently gone through her own trial of health problems, including cancer, and she looked GREAT!!! Here I am standing in my yoga pants, and sweatshirt, (my day to day wardrobe choices) hair probably not even brushed and here is a friend from high school, the same age as myself, she just finished cancer treatments less then a year ago and she looks fantastic. I want to know how the heck she did it. So I ask her. She tells me about a wellness nurse practitioner she has been seeing and that she is the one who caught the cancer when other doctors didn't. 

So 2 months later I am on the phone with this amazing nurse practitioner. I give her a very brief run down of my medical history. She tells me of what she would like to do and what our appointment is going to require. After a 45 minute phone call I get off the phone and I cry like a baby. I cry because for once I feel like there is finally hope. Hope that I can be a mom and not a failing mom. Hope that I can be a wife, a great wife that Brian deserves. Hope that I can feel my age and do things that people my age do. Hope that I won't be the one people pity. Hope that people won't assume that I am inactive at church because I haven't been able to make it to church in over a month or two. Hope that I can just be normal normal normal for once in my adult life.

So what did this Angel of mine have me do? I had a blood test run for allergies (food/chemical/etc.). I had a mammogram because I am menopausal. I had a bone density scan. I also had an ultrasound run on my thyroid gland in my neck. I also had a fasting blood test run which consisted of 11 of those vials. 

A week ago on Thursday I met with her to over the results of my tests and this is what we found. I may miss a few things because we covered a lot of stuff. My mom was with me and all I can say is this has been nothing short of a blessing. 

#1 I am a special case :) We kinda knew that LOL

#2 I am menopausal so my 33 year old body is being pulled in different directions

#3 I have PCOS because my liver is insulin resistant

#4 I have auto immune disease

#5 I have cysts on my thyroid, if I don't get things under control they could become cancerous cysts

#6 I have two major types of anemia

#7 I have Hashimotos Thyroiditis

#8 My vitamin B is almost completely depleted

#9 My vitamin D is almost completely depleted

#10 I have adrenal fatigue

#11 I am allergic to broccoli, which I hate anyways, Grapes, which I like, Garbanzo beans, which I also like

#12 I am also allergic to benzene which is in the water so I had to get a filter for my bathroom shower, and my kitchen sink

#13 I am also allergic to red dye which is in everything, pesticides and molds

So I have a HEPA filter in my room. I am supposed to limit where the dogs go in the house because they carry the pesticides in the house from outside. I am also supposed to have everyone take their shoes off when they come in so they don't track it all over the house.

Aside from my allergies, she also wants me to cut out all dairy including cheese, and go Gluten and Soy free. I got a shot of B12. She has me taking D3, B12, Progesterone, Cinsulin, Hemaplex, Calcium, Magnesium, Probiotic, digestive enzyme, and something called protandim. 

At first she had me taking DHEA and 2 different thyroid medicines but I was having near pass out spells so she had me cut it out for now. 

I am learning a lot about Adrenal Fatigue. I am currently reading "Adrenal Fatigue" by Dr. Wilson and I am learning so much about how I have been feeling.

One of the biggest things I have had a hard time with is feeling like such a failure as a mom, a wife, a sister, an aunt, and a daughter. I duck my head in the car driving around the neighborhood so I don't have to look my neighbors and ward members in the eye. On the rare Sunday I do feel good enough to go to church I have a hard time going because of all the attention and the "how are you feeling" "so glad to see you?" and I know they are being sympathetic and nice but it seriously makes me so self conscious. But what I really think it boils down to is that I feel guilty that I haven't been able to do the things that I should be doing on every scale of my life and it freaking sucks!!!

I have covered so much information today that my brain is a little frazzled. As this journey continues I will write updates and how things are going. Please ask questions and thank you for taking the time to read my story, up to this point.